Feedback doesn’t always get stuck when it’s given.
Sometimes, it gets stuck when it’s received.
Feedback is hard.
The message is delicate to put into words.
We haven’t always learned how to do it.
There are a thousand reasons why it’s complicated.
But there’s something even harder.
When feedback immediately triggers a protective reaction.
A stony silence.
An instant justification.
A counter-attack.
Tears, anger.
A topic that shifts, gets turned around, disappears.
It isn’t always deliberate.
It isn’t always conscious.
But the effect is there: the conversation shuts down.
And very quickly, we’re no longer talking about the original topic.
We’re managing the reaction.
So the manager hesitates.
They soften, postpone, avoid.
They try once, twice, three times.
And then something gets stuck.
The employee no longer has the information they’d need to improve.
The manager is no longer fully playing their role.
The relationship fills up with things left unsaid.
In these cases, trying to phrase the feedback better isn’t enough.
Sometimes, you need to take a step to the side.
I call it meta-feedback.
Giving feedback on how the feedback is going.
The idea isn’t to blame the other person for their reaction.
Nor to psychoanalyse or accuse.
It’s to name what’s preventing the conversation from happening.
In practice, it might sound like this.
“I’d like to talk to you about something regarding our conversations.
When I bring up this topic with you, I notice the conversation quickly becomes difficult to continue.
I understand these conversations may be difficult for you.
But on my side, I realise I no longer dare to say everything I need to tell you.
And that puts me in a difficult position in my role as a manager.
I need to be able to share things with you that will help you grow.
I’d like us to look together at how we can have these conversations in a calmer, more constructive way.”
It isn’t a detour.
Sometimes, it’s the real topic.
Talking about performance, behaviour, areas for improvement is essential.
But sometimes, you first need to restore the very possibility of talking about them.
Feedback isn’t just a communication technique.
It’s a relational skill.
Sometimes, the most courageous feedback isn’t the one you give about the work.
It’s the one you give about the conversation that can’t seem to happen.
Tell me: have you ever been in a situation where you ended up giving up on giving feedback? What made you let go?