“Toxic” is a verdict.“Abrasive” is a starting point.
When working with so-called “difficult” leaders, the first obstacle is not coaching.It is the label.
Before the work has even begun, words have already been placed on them.
“Toxic manager.”
Those words immediately trigger shame, defensiveness, denial… or anger.And I understand why.
Because behind them lies an implicit accusation:
“You are trying to hurt people.”“You have bad intentions.”
But in the vast majority of cases, that is not what is happening.
That is why I prefer to speak about abrasive leaders.
Toxic implies an intention to harm: manipulation, conscious strategy, repeated and assumed behavior.
Abrasive means a harsh relational impact… often unintentional.
And between the two, there is a vast space: the space for development.
No one becomes abrasive “by choice.”They become abrasive within a context.
❌ Pressure to deliver results.❌ Decision-making loneliness.❌ Hyper-responsibility: “If this breaks, it’s on me.”❌ Periods of crisis, transformation, and instability.
No abrasive leader I have worked with wakes up in the morning thinking:
“Today, I’m going to damage my team.”
Many, however, wake up thinking: “This has to hold.” Or “I cannot fail.”
Many are leaders under pressure.Lonely leaders.Leaders with a deep sense of responsibility.
Eventually, they no longer know how to do things differently: abrasiveness becomes a survival strategy.
That excuses nothing.But it explains a lot.
And above all, it hides an important paradox.
Abrasiveness is often the visible side… of great strength.
A high level of standards.Decision-making courage.Speed. Frankness. A clear vision. A real focus on results.
The energy is not the problem.The problem is regulation.
When that energy comes out “raw,” it intimidates.When it is channelled, it becomes a precious asset for the organization.
And that is why the “toxic” label is so costly.
It moralizes and condemns.
Whereas speaking about abrasiveness means speaking about impact.
And impact can be worked on.
Because in most cases, this is where the real issue lies: the abrasive leader does not perceive their impact.
They think they are being demanding.The team experiences them as intimidating.
This is not a moral issue.It is an issue of awareness.
Coaching is neither a courtroom nor a disguised HR procedure.
And if we want these leaders to accept support, we need to stop pointing fingers at them.
I like working with these leaders.
Because they are not lukewarm.Because they want things to work.And because they have incredible energy.
My role is not to make them “softer.”
My role is to help them become more aware of, and more responsible for, their impact.
If you recognize yourself, even a little, in this portrait:
What do you really know about your impact… when you are under pressure?